It’s all OK!

I’m slowly recovering from all the crap that life has been throwing at me.

I say this, because I’m sat in a Starbucks in Bath, tucking into a bagel and planning my study plan for the next month or so (on Tuesday I have exactly a month to get all my assignments in so I don’t fail first year… Such Fun).

Eating has proven to be very difficult for me, as during the time I was dealing with the aftermath of breaking up with my ex, and trying to get my academic life back on track, I started to get really anti-eating. I still hate the idea that I have to put food into my mouth, chew and swallow, but I’m slowly reconciling to the idea that I do have to eat in order to survive. At my worst, I was steadily losing weight, and weighed in at 9 stone (I’m 5’10”, to give you an idea), when I’d started university at 11 stone. After a while, I had to go to the doctor, who told me I had depression, as well as ‘an eating disorder not otherwise specified’ because I don’t purge, have any body dismorphia, but exhibit starving and binging (I try to have 5 starve days to every 3 food days), and gave me medication for it, which I’ve now been taking for a couple of months. I also start CBT next month, so I’ll see how it goes.

I was on my online dating account a little while ago, when a pink icon flashed on my screen. Turns out a guy I’d quite enjoyed talking to the fortnight before, before he didn’t reply for a while, finally got back to me. He asked me on a date! Now, I’d just gotten back from another date that wasn’t so grand, (I’ll write a post about my dating endeavours later), so I was a bit cautious, but then thought ‘capri diem, I guess..’, so agreed. We met for pancakes, he brought flowers, I brought a quaking shy girl with rainbow hair (wait, that’s me!). The pancakes were amazing, the conversation was smooth, and he was alright about my eating issues, and all my disabilities! Huzzah! We’ve been seeing each other every week since, and he stayed over for a night on Friday, before coming with me to Bristol Pride yesterday, and he said he was happy that I’m openly queer! Another Huzzah! He texts me daily to make sure I’m up and about, eating and drinking, and not smoking too much (yes, I picked up smoking, a terrible habit, but I find the ADD subsides when I do). I think I’ve fallen on my feet with this kooky, geeky filmmaker!

On top of this, my friends have been amazing, especially B and L. They are two of the bestest friends I could ever ask for, they come over to make sure I eat something, and encourage my crazy ideas and pursuits (I run a mixology blog with B now, liquorishgirls.wordpress.uk if you wanna check it out!). They were there when my ex sent abusive Facebook messages to me, and helped me deal with that, they assisted with collecting my belongings, and held me whilst I cried.    Obviously my other friends have been pretty darn wonderful to, even if it’s to listen to me whinge, or grumble, share a cigarette and a cocktail with me, and generally make my life so much more enriched and joyful for it.

The university have been lovely as well, I still see my mentor and study tutor from DSA, and will continue to do so until my assignments are complete for the year. I also see my support worker from Student Support as well, and she’s been a rock to me in recent times. Yes, I get chided for drinking and smoking, and attempting my English Literature essay whilst under the influence, but I still adore them all the same.

My foster mother was also pretty awesome when everything blew up, texting me to make sure I was OK, and also assisting me with my ex. She will always be a person I’ll love like I would a mother, and the one I’ll go to if I need an opinion on something, or if I just need a tea and a natter when I’m in Hampshire. Her character radar will always wow me, so quite often I run potential partners by her to see what she recons, and I’ll always respect her opinion and often follow the amazing advice she gives. It’s thanks to her that I’m the determined, stubborn woman I am today, and I hope I’ll make her proud one day.

Without all these people, I don’t know how I would of survived or coped with the past few months. I’m thankful for all of them, and will love them all forever. When you become mentally ill, for whatever reason, you do find out who actually care about you. And that’s freaking awesome!

This coming week is going to be crazy! Today I need to start an assignment, begin getting ideas for a screenplay that could become a film that I work on with my guy (we’ve decided to team up with some filmmakers in Bath that he is good friends with to make a film!), do more in the way of laundry, travel to Leister and back for a job with the Care Leaver’s Association (more about that in a post next week, so stay tuned), go to Bristol for the ADHD Clinic (I’ll update you all on how that goes!) and generally be a good writer/mixologist/student.

Until then!

 

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Relationship Abuse: Why No Young Person Should Go Through It

(TW, Abusive relationships, rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse)

I’m going to be brutally honest.

I am a Survivor.

Why do I say this?

I’ve been in quite a few abusive relationships. And I’m only twenty years old.

I’m not the only girl in this position. So many young women under the age of 20 go through all sorts of domestic violence every year. I have friends who admit to being raped by boyfriends, emotionally manipulated by partners and their families, beaten by those who they thought would love and protect them. By telling my story, I hope that I can get more young people saved from violence, manipulation and abuse.

It all started when I was fifteen. I was young, vulnerable and impressionable. I met a guy at the new school I’d started at. We started dating. He wanted to touch my breasts, my crotch. I didn’t like it, but I’d heard that’s what girlfriends allow their boyfriends to do, so I gritted my teeth, and allowed it. Because I said yes’, it was assumed that I’d consented. Therefore it wouldn’t be seen as assault every time he touched me, pawed at me. I allowed him to tell me what makeup I was/wasn’t allowed to wear, how short my skirts were allowed to be. I wasn’t to eat too many sweets because ‘I could get fat’. Even the books I read had to be approved, as did the friends I spent time with. After a while, I turned seventeen. We’d ‘broken up’ because there was a weird thing with me bouncing between this guy and another one. But we went to prom together, and agreed to start ‘seeing’ each other. We’d meet up for secret ‘dates’ at the beach near where we both lived. Usually it would be fine, we’d kiss, hold hands, etc.

But one afternoon, it all changed.

We were in a field, walking his dog, holding hands, like any other young teenage couple, nothing out of the ordinary.

Until he spun me round. He grabbed me, and I could feel him grinding against me, thrusting his hand down my shirt, I could feel the erection through our clothes. I felt frightened, rigid to the spot, as he carried on snogging me, grinding, grinding.

I didn’t realise this was sexual assault until I turned nineteen, and started university.

I was seventeen, and got with the guy I’d been on-off with for a few years. I lost my virginity to him. I remember screaming in pain, as I wasn’t ready deep down, I remember being told that if I didn’t have sex, then he’d leave me to be alone. That I wasn’t even beautiful anyway.

I didn’t realise it was rape until today.

And I’m twenty.

I got with my ex fiancé not long into my first year of college.

I remember the night I got with him.

A lot of alcohol had been drunk. I had only recently turned eighteen, and didn’t have very much experience with alcohol before this point. A lot of people, his family, his friends, told me that he liked me, that I really should go out with him, etc. And, after all the pressure, and because I was drunk, I agreed, and we kissed as the clock struck midnight.

That kiss sealed my fate for the next two years of my life.

At first, I decided that I’d allow things to just take its course. Perhaps it would get better. Make the most out of a bad situation, right? But as time went on, things didn’t get much better.

It started when I wore shorts on a hot day to college. I remember it, because he said to me ‘Are they not too short?’. The time I first wore red lipstick ‘I don’t like it, it’s messy and you look bad in it’. Anything I wore had to pass a test of approval. He preferred me to buy clothes either he or his sister preferred.

And then his temper.

I never thought that I’d be in a relationship where I would fear for my own safety.

But the day he first slapped me, I feared for my life.

It sounds dramatic, but that’s the god-honest truth. We were having yet another row, when, without warning, he backhanded me across the face. I knew it wasn’t the usual playfighting that we used to enjoy. It wasn’t spoken of again, he apologised.

But the threats started.

Every time I dared to irritate him, he’d threaten to throw the nearest heavy thing at my head, or to throw me out of the top floor window. He’d tell me that he’d slap me, punch me in the head, if I carried on irritating him.

His family took control of most of my life, guising it as ‘support’ because of my autism. My finances, posessions, fashion, diet, everything was controlled, my alcohol intake was something to be commented about. The people I befriended had to be approved by being ‘friends’ with my ex as well, which made it hard to have friends outside of his preferences. And even when I was with those friends, he would attach himself to me, making sure it was made crystal clear that I was his, and no one else could ever have ‘dibs’ on me. I was no longer a person, more a possession. And it sucked.

I was only able to leave because…

I have a male best friend, who I fell in love with whilst at university. I’d talk with him often about my life, and the way I felt. He realised I was unhappy, and would give me a lot of advice. One morning, after a night watching the stars and falling asleep at his room, we slept together, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I told my ex, and promptly left him as a result. He saved my life, and I am grateful. He’s now with one of my other best friends, and I’m glad for that, even though I still love him with all my being.

However, during the break up, my ex started to get even more abusive, messaging me accusing me of turning our ‘mutual’ friends against him, telling ‘mutual’ friends that I was a lying, manipulative and abusive bitch in order to make me out to be the bad person, and generally attempting to mess things up among my friendships. I’m lucky that my friends all saw right through him, and stuck by my side. During that time, he reminded me of things he told me during my relationship.

“You leave me, you’ll always be alone”  

“You’ll never find anyone else like me”

“You’re lucky to have me, because no one else will want you”

“Once you leave me, you won’t have a family anymore, we’ve given you everything.”

I’m lucky to have made sure that I had friends not involving him, or if they know him, that I was friends with them in their own right.

So, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with other young people.

Young people are not properly taught about abuse in relationships, in schools, or by parents/caregivers. People don’t know about dating abuse, and how it can affect young people. One of my friends was raped by her first boyfriend, and her friends and family still don’t believe that she was attacked. Another male friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a woman, and no one believed him, as men can’t get abused by women, surely?

It’s stupid, and needs to stop.

Young people need to be educated about relationship abuse, dating violence. You try to look up stats about abuse in teenage relationships, and there isn’t much in the way of reliable information.

This isn’t good enough. Young people deserve the same protection from abuse as adults do. I’m a disabled young adult, so I’m more vulnerable than others in my situation, as (like my ex and his family) my disability can be taken advantage of as an excuse for control and manipulation as much as my age and experience. So I dread to think what it could be like for someone who is just young and impressionable.

I’ve never told my story before online. I only hope, by doing so, that I can encourage someone to seek help, to leave an abusive relationship, or to even decide to think about taking the steps needed to get out. It’s hard when you’re being told that if you leave them, you’ll be completely alone. Which is bullshit, by the way. You have family, friends, me. I’ll always be a click away. That much I can promise you.

No one should ever go through abuse in relationships. No matter age, gender, race or sexuality. It’s time more young people spoke out about dating and relationship abuse. They need to know that there are more types of abuse than just being raped and slapped about. Sticks and stones may break bones, but words will always cut deeper than any other weapon.

Abuse is prevalent in our society, culture. It’s in our music, our films, even our magazines. The families of those young people who have survived still don’t believe them. It’s seen to be OK for someone to be emotionally manipulated by their partner, or to be raped, because it was in a relationship/dating scenario. It’s wrong. And has to stop.

I no longer see myself as a victim.

I am a survivor.

It’s Looking Like Sunshine!

It’s been a weird few days. But those weird days needed to happen in order for things to get better. And they have gotten a lot better than I thought they would. Which is excellent.

I went back to Gosport for a few days, mainly to collect the remains of my life from my ex’s house, I love my friend B so much for helping me out, and letting me crash at hers whilst I mentally sorted myself out. He was, however, despite all agreements to be ‘civil’, was ever so rude. Alright, I’m not the saint of the situation, but I wanted to be an adult about it. And acting smug, practically throwing my boxes into my arms, followed by bitching that I’m ‘snarky’ due to refusing to sell my DSLR to him, then slamming the door in my face? That’s not very adult behaviour. Good riddance, I say!

So, I spent a few days in Hampshire, visited the Dockyard for an afternoon, went for drinks with people, saw my carer and foster mum and generally made the most of a soon to be rare occurrence. The weather was sublime, and it was wonderful to feel the sea breeze on my face.

I’ve really kicked off my dating life, and have been seeing someone, although not seriously, and I don’t think it’ll last for very much longer, if I’m honest. That’s fine by me, if I’m honest, as I’m more than ready to start looking for something a bit more than a bootie call.

My mother is coming up tomorrow to see me, and she’s bringing my older sister along. I haven’t seen them for ages, so it will be nice to catch up. I can’t wait to show them around the city that is now my home, my inspiration. Sounds corny, I know, but that’s how it is!

And then on Thursday it’s our Summer Solstice party! I’m googling celebration ideas, buying in mead, and generally getting rather excited! We’ll make dinner, play games, drink and be merry, before heading out with wine and watching the sun rise 🙂 It will be lovely.

And, on that note, I’ll end. I still need to write a post about the award someone nominated me for last week, so I’ll get onto that tomorrow morning!

Life’s a Bitch…

I’m sorry I haven’t done much in the way of blogging the past few days.

I’ve just had a lot happen to me in such a short space of time, and I’ve been fighting to keep my head above the sea of emotions, as I’ve nearly drowned enough times even in one night.

After a two year relationship, I’ve broken up with Josh. Things just weren’t working out anymore, my priorities in life no longer reflected the relationship and neither of us were investing what we ought to have done in the relationship. I just felt trapped in a loveless relationship that would of become a loveless marriage, and I would of resented him for that, and he is a good friend to me, regardless of the situation. Things were already difficult, then I was an idiot to start having feelings for a guy in my friendship circle at uni, and they clouded my judgement of the whole situation. We both did things wrong, and it just made sense for the relationship to end, as neither of us were happy any more.

On top of that, I’ve had to come to terms with revising for an exam, dealing with my living arrangements for the summer break and generally surviving. I’m not saying that I have an easy road ahead of me, quite the opposite.

But now I have freedom, to say what I want, do what I want, be who I want to be. I just have to figure out how I’m going to make the most of it.

In the meantime, I’m going out with the girls tonight for a well earned cocktail! I don’t really do girly nights out, so I am actually looking forward to it. And I have a date tomorrow evening (I joined a dating website, get me getting down with the kids!), so I have that to prepare for… Then MCM on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, travelling back to Bath on Monday.

Hopefully that should take my mind off of him, but who knows with me?

Life’s a bitch, eh?