It’s 00:46 in Bath, England, as I sit at my laptop and write out this little post.
Recently I’ve been put onto sleep medication, which sometimes gives the desired effect, and at other times, like tonight, where I might as well of not taken any medication at all. I missed watching a film with my friends as I came in from my monthly sushi trip with my friends from the other kitchen, and knew that I had to take my pill at 22:00 so that I’d wake up feeling refreshed at 08:30, ready to start tackling the day ahead. I popped on my audiobook, and lay back, pleased that I’d made a jolly good start with clearing all the crap out of my room to make it more suitable to live in. I can even type on my desk now, which has made my life considerably easier.
Even so, this is a problem that has been with me since I started university. I think it’s all the stress that I’ve had, what with having to send my laptop to the hospital to be repaired, having it not repaired, and having to send it off again, so therefore unable to get the training for the software on the laptop that I’ll need in order to make my life a lot easier. I’ve had to hold back the deadlines for most of my coursework because of this, and I’m really beginning to panic about the workload. It hasn’t helped that the last two grades I got back were either the lowest pass, or one above that, which has been sitting on my mind for the past fortnight. On top of that I’ve got all the assessments for various things, like ADHD and the Irlen Glasses, as well as wondering who on earth is going to fund these things, that I as a careleaver with no one to rely on financially than the state cannot.
I’ve always been a stressed out person, especially when I was a child who no one loved or cared about. I’d wear myself out by reading all the academic books that I could find in order to prove to everyone that I was smart, a clever kid worth spending time with me. I still remember having my books thrown into puddles by children who thought it was funny to pick on the bookish one. I stress myself out with trying to prove to others and to myself that I’m a good person that everyone wants in their lives. Yet every night I toss and turn, struggling to get a good night’s sleep.
So, it’s very nearly one o clock in the morning, and I know I have a lecture in twelve hours, followed by a two hour seminar. My sleep meds were supposed to kick in a good three hours ago. I wonder if I’ll ever have a good night’s sleep, not that I ever really have done.
Since I wrote that last part, I’ve written out my morning and evening routines, realised that they didn’t print out well, meaning that I have the job of replacing the ink cartridges (yay…) and I’ve also got a Wind Down Time list of activities, as approved by my doctor (you know, the one that put me on this medication in the first place), as you’re not supposed to have contact with a screen for two hours prior to going to bed.
So, I’m still feeling awake, but I’m really tired. Guess who isn’t going to have a good day of it tomorrow, despite all the plans that I had for the day, like finishing my room, cleaning my bathroom for the first time this year, actually making a start on some coursework. Not to mention that I have a lot of packing to do for when I leave Bath for a week. Oh, yes, I’m going home for Reading Week, and I’m rather thrilled! I do believe that a week away from university will do me a lot of good!
Or, it ought to, anyway…